"it" just moved
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
