You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
