The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize