I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
