And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
