She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
