I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
