he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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