It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
