She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
