I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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