I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize