I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
