dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
