I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
