As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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