my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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