i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
