alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize