idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
