soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
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