I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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