It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
