you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
