I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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