So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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