i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Never underestimate the power of titties
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
