I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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