The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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