I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
