about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Are we still banned from the library?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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