Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
