i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
