Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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