I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
