Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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