Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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