Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
