Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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