I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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