too bad you live with your parents still
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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