please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
