I'm lost and stupid without you.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize