Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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