woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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