Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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