he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
