just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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