Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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