we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
