My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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